For a while there, I was on “The Bob & Tom Show” every couple of weeks, and rapidly running out of songs, bits, and what Tom and I called, “ammunition”. I had ambushed the crew with my “Iraqi Prisoner Song” a few weeks earlier (my satire of the Abu Ghraib prison scandal) and I had shot my wad, so to speak. I was out of bullets, I was empty… ca-put. Now it just so happened that “Paul and Storm“, the creative duo that came out of the now defunct “Davinci’s Notebook“, an a cappella group known for it’s hit song, “Internet Porn” were in town, so I asked them to back me up on a little something. I thought these great harmonizers would liven up my tired, one-man band sound and give me the new novelty hit I desperately needed, but I was out of the “little something” I had advertised. I got nothing.
I don’t remember where the idea for “Paco, The Pool Boy” came from, but it’s a broad comedy concept, one that’s been mined by others over the years, and now dug up by me out of desperation. Cougars were big in the media at the time and still are, so I chose them, and the stereotypical Mexican pool boys that served them. I was going for the easy target, by making fun of sex and race, 2 out of the 3 Ps of comedy: Penis, Prejudice and Poopy.
I had one day to write the damn thing, rehearse the vocals with “Paul and Storm”, and then perform it on “The Bob & Tom Show”. Holy guacamole, I’d better get busy. So I picked up the guitar, got into Mariachi-mode, and started writing. I told the tale of “Paco, The Pool Boy” as a misunderstood Porno cliché. The former illegal alien who had grown up, was now married with children, and no longer interested in being the Taco Bell “Combo number 2″ of the hungry, older, wealthy, abandoned, horny housewife. But, there was a time…
When I got to the studios at 6 AM, “Paul and Storm” where already there and we went over the song, one last time. We. Were. Ready. The original version was written with Latino slang and “Paul and Storm’s” background parts explained my Spanish and broken English. I would sing lines like, “Mis testiculos son de color azul” and they would respond in a half-sung whisper, “His balls are blue”, and we thought it was hilarious. The only problem was that when we did the song live on the show, not only did my Spanglish need more interpretation, but I sung it in a VERY thick Mexican accent. Guess what? “I won’t cheat on my wife” sung like the Frito Bandito sounds just like, “I won’t SHEET on my wife”. Aye carumba! No one had time to hit the dump button on the 7-second delay and everyone else in the studio– Bob, Tom, Kristi Lee and Chick McGee all thought I said shit on the air, one of the famous 7 dirty words that you can’t say on the radio. Unbeknownst to me, I had added the 3rd P of comedy, Poopy, in it’s dirtier vernacular.
Keep in mind that this was a time when the FCC was fining potty-mouthed morning shows, so the “sheety” pool boy song was dead in the water before it even had a chance to doggy paddle. Tom Griswold just glared at me, with a WTF? look on his face for the remainder of the tune. We didn’t have a clue as to why the song was getting such a negative reaction, since Paul, Storm, and I where so used to my ridiculous accent by now. We bravely forged ahead with millions of people listening to my “Paco, The Pool Boy” song (beyond resuscitating at this point) and the sound of crickets (the deathly silent, laugh-less insects that surround a turd). To add insult to injury, Marty Bender, the head of syndication for “Bob & Tom” back then, came up to me afterwards and said, “That song had a lot going on, it was hard to figure out. ” He was right. It was confusing and wordy, too much cheese–not enough salsa… the song was full of sheet!
My new-improved “Paco, The Pool Boy Supreme” has less fat, more lean, mean punchlines, and no bull-sheet. Enjoy it, if you like your fish tacos on the salty side. Olè!
Paco, The Pool Boy
(Spoken) Hi my name is Paco. I came to this country many years ago to build a better life for myself, so I got a job as a pool boy. We have a reputation for being the fast food of the love-starved, aging housewife… the Cougar. We are also featured in many of your Pornographic Movies and dirty magazines, so I am here to set the record straight, and sing you a song about this pool boy, who is not Cougar-bait.
I’m Paco, Paco the Pool boy
I’m here to work, I won’t be your boy toy
You are married, but I’m no fool
You want me to fill more than your swimming pool
But I won’t fall for your little ploy
No not Paco, The Pool Boy
I have nine children with my Maria
I want to bring home a paycheck
Not Gonorrhea
Mi amor que no destroy
My family, I truly enjoy
I won’t cheat on my wife
I am Paco, The Pool Boy
But there was a time… back in my prime
When I would take you in the deep end!
I was shallow, like pool scum, I was slime
Like a a Matador, with his sword
I would have poked you right there on the diving board
Oh, how the cougars enjoyed
Paco, The Pool Boy
I see you lying there topless
while I use the bottom sucker
La Señora, she’s tempting me,
But I can’t fuh–find the chlorine
This puta has quite a libido
And I’ll admit, Paco has a bulging Speedo
Mis testiculos son de color azul
But I must not succumb, I will be true
‘Cause Maria would cut off little
I’d have no more burrito, just taco
And I don’t want to be
Paco, The tool-less, Pool Boy
Chop, chop, chop!
Words & Music by Paddy G.
Good 1 Music ASCAP 2017
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