Christine,
I am trying in vain to get our divorce finalized. Time and time again you’ve told me that since you are a lawyer, you would do the paperwork-and so I wait. You have asked me to sign credit repair documents to explain my responsibility on bills that were in your name- and still I wait. I’ve sent you my share of the filing fee as per your request and guess what? – I’m still waiting. What should have been a no brainer, no contest divorce has turned in to a no way, no win situation. I can’t imagine that you gain anything by staying married to me and since we are both in long term relationships with other people, it makes no sense.
During the course of writing and mailing this letter I realize that I list your phone number and address under the name Wolverine. It’ s a little dishonest, but I do that to avoid any problems with my current girlfriend: a very beautiful, albeit jealous 18-year-old Japanese girl named Sake Mykocky (I met her while getting my ass waxed at a full service salon called “Happy Beginnings”). With no malice or ill intent I picked the name Wolverine and never thought about the irony until I was watching The Animal Channel one night. These nasty sharp-toothed creatures were used as a form of torture during the Civil war. The soldiers would put the poor POW in a big burlap bag, throw the Wolverine in, Tie the bag tight and the furry heathen would claw the poor bastard to death in mere seconds. Well at least it was quick and easy as opposed to long and drawn out.
Speaking of long and drawn out, this August 30th will be our 9-year wedding anniversary. Can you believe we’ve been together that long? – And they said it wouldn’t last. We should write a book! Let’s call it “Staying married while living with other people for over five years and avoiding the responsibility and pain of getting divorced ”. I haven’t a clue what to get you this year, but I do know what I’m getting- a big basket of meaningless oral agreements, notarized chicanery, cute little excuses and to top it off a card that reads, “Go f*ck yourself Pat Godwin”.
Enclosed are copies of the current paper trail and a lock of my thinning hair for your voodoo experiments.
Sincerely someone else’s
J. Patrick Godwin
