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One of the most clever songwriters and quick-witted live comedians in the business... with his high speed, low-drag act that constantly changes and evolves, Pat has such strong material and improv skills, no two shows are ever the same... not even close.
seen and heard on last comic standing the howard stern show the bob and tom show schedule get tickets

Letter to the woman below me

IMG_0261Dear woman below me,

I apologize for referring to you as the “woman below me” but the two times that you knocked on my door to complain about the noise you never properly introduced yourself.

I’ll get to the point. Last Saturday at around 4 o’clock in the afternoon you made your second emergency visit to ask if the “Radiohead” CD set on volume 3 could be turned down because you had a cold and were trying to sleep. The first time you knocked on my door was shortly after I moved in at 7 o’clock in the P.M. on a weeknight. You told me you were a teacher and had to get up in the morning and could I kindly stop unpacking because the sound of shuffling boxes was keeping you up. I don’t know why you felt it was necessary to tell me your occupation was that of an educator, but I do think you’ve missed your true calling. With your acute sense of hearing and leadership abilities you could have been in charge of quality control down at the local dog whistle factory or an incredible piano tuner. I think your constant need for a little peace and quiet or a bad case of narcolepsy gets in the way of your dreams.

I have a few suggestions that may make your life a little easier. Since you are a sensitive soul in need of your own space I think you need to reassess your current living situation. At this point in your life you are trying to make ends meet on a teachers salary by renting one of the bottom units of a loud Apartment complex in a large city. I think you should quit your day job and play the lottery. When you win (I’m rooting for you!) buy yourself a stretch of land in Arizona, build an underground, lead reinforced bomb shelter and sleep in one of those oxygen chambers that Michael Jackson used to block out the outside world. Good luck!

Yours quietly, The man in Apt. H

P.S. Feel free to grade my letter and make the necessary corrections. I think you’ll find it’s full of sarcasm and run on sentences.

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erin said on July 2, 2010

I hope your baby is happy & healthy of course but when he cries as all babies will, I hope he has some pipes and let’s her hear ’em!
Congrats to you guys!

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