I was at an outdoor musical festival in Reno and some lady tapped me on the shoulder and said, “Sir, excuse me. Do you have trouble finding baseball caps that fit?” I said, “What are you talking about? This one fits just fine. Is this some kind of joke?” (truth is, it did not fit properly, none do, and was perched on my noggin precariously like an organ monkey grinder’s hat)
She handed me a business card and continued her pitch, “No, I’m not kidding. I noticed you have a HUGE head and I have a company that caters to your kind.” I said, “My kind? What kind? You mean, the cranially deformed kind? Who put you up to this?” I turned to my buddy, Gary Raffanelli, and said, “Dude, is this your dirty work?” Gary was bent over, slapping his thighs, laughing at my discomfort and says, “No, I swear. This lady’s on her own. It wasn’t me.” (Gary was our piano player at Catch A Rising Star comedy club, a rapscallion, and I wouldn’t put it past him)
I looked at the lady’s card, and if this was a prank, it was a good one. The card was well done, expensive looking and had their website www.bigfathead.com printed on it. I said to the woman, “Big Fat Head dot com. Seriously? You solicit people in public, insult them with the horrible name of your company and expect that to work.” She said, “No, not usually, but I was hanging out, enjoying the band, and I couldn’t stop staring at the size of your head in comparison to your hat, and since my husband and I just started the business, I thought I’d reach out. You’re our target customer.” I handed her back the card like it was a hot turd and said, “No, thank you. I’m good.”
When I got back home a week later, still bummed out over the Big Fat Head lady and my moon dome, I went on line, checked out their website and discreetly ordered two baseball caps. I still have them, and no, they didn’t come in separate UPS trucks, smart asses.
Honduran customs lady kept looking at my passport and shaking her head. Then, she takes me to a private area and tells me to wait. I’ve only got 20 minutes before my flight to Miami boards — so I’m concerned. 10 minutes go by and I can see her and the supervisor looking at all my passport pages with furrowed brows and checking the computer with mad fingers. They slide my passport through some kind of “check to see if he’s on a Wanted List” thingy. 5 minutes go by. Next, they take a copy of one page and seem troubled by it. Both of the agents approach me and point to a particular stamp and ask me what it means, but they ask me in Spanish. I tell them that what they’re holding is an American passport and I speak English (that did not go over well). They repeat the question in my native tongue, with accents so movie villain thick, it takes me a second or two before I understand. I look down at the page in question, take a beat, and proudly tell them, “That, mi amigos, is a tiny crayon drawing my 4 year-old son did of the character ‘Anger’ from the movie ‘Inside Out’, and in the future, I’ll be more careful where I put my passport when I’m home.” They both look at each other, mumble something, and slap the passport in my hand. I make the flight.
As I was driving to Lima, Ohio recently for a show, I heard the radio station advertise a “Tom Goodwin” was performing at “Waldo and Stiemy’s Sports Bar and More”. How they got “Tom Goodwin” out of “Pat Godwin” is beyond me, because I sent the proper promotional material months in advance. Why I’m at such a place is not beyond me, I booked it. The commercial went on to say this “Tom Goodwin” was hilarious and making a name for himself so check out his show. Since I was doing a door deal with the club (I get paid a percentage of the tickets sold), I panicked. It’s hard enough to pack a place with the right name, let alone one with an extra letter and a different first name. John Mayer draws a crowd; Tim Mayek does not.
Thinking that this may be just the radio station’s mistake, I pulled in to the nearest gas station and got one of those weekly entertainment papers but there it was: Appearing tonight at “Waldo and Stiemy’s Sports Bar and More” (formerly Just jokin’)-Tom Goodwin. It was then and there I realized I’m not in show business. I may think I am, but I’m not. I get paid for making people laugh, put on a show and do some business, but I’m not in show business. I don’t have a personal manager, I don’t schmooze well or spend the day marketing myself. In fact, I don’t any of the necessary things that shape a career. I write, practice and perform. That should be enough, but it’s not even close.
People in show business have representation that looks after tiny details like not working at a place called “Waldo and Stiemy’s Sports Bar and More” and getting the performer’s name right. My friend, Daniel Tosh, who has a show on Comedy Central, is in show business. Tieve, the one-armed plate spinner I saw on “America’s Got Talent” is in show business. Hell, even the elusive and enigmatic “Tom Goodwin” is in show business but “Pat Godwin” is not.
Next week the “More” part of “Waldo and Stiemy’s Sports Bar and More” is presenting comedian Costaki Economopoulos and guess what? His name is spelled right on all the advertisements. Despite what I think about the venue he’s working or his agent’s booking skills, Costaki Economopoulus is definitely in show business.
I met “Princess Millionaire” (name withheld because I can’t afford another lawsuit) after a show in Sanibel, Florida, and we hit it off immediately due to our common interests: music, heartbreak, and talking about music and heartbreak. We dated for only a month or two, before I moved into one of her family’s guest houses on exclusive Star Island in Miami Beach. Usually, I make most of my relationship decisions based on a gut instinct, but that day my gut was clearly thinking below the belt. Poor, struggling, Irish Troubadour and rich, pampered, Jewish American Princess. What could possibly go wrong? The children’s song, “One Of these Things (Is Not Like The Others)” comes to mind.
As the Princess and I got to know each other AFTER we moved in together, the story of both her and my failed marriages came up—a lot. I drowned my feelings in the bottom of a shot glass back then, and kept busy by performing as much as possible to get out of the debt incurred by my lawyer ex back in Philly. She, on the other hand had been wallowing in grief and self pity after her divorce, almost to the point of harming herself. I stood there shocked one night when she told me just how far she had fallen emotionally and what she almost did to end the pain. The guest house where we stayed under the watchful eye of her smothering parents still had her old wedding photos on the wall, pictures of her ex-husband in the bedroom, and pressed dead flowers he’d given her in ornate scrapbooks and antique vases. It bothered me, but I said nothing and just grabbed another vodka and something. I too had a heart to heal, and a habit to feed. She drank and talked a lot, and I listened and drank a lot. Our late night conversations mirrored scenes from the movie, “Days of Wine and Roses”, but with me poorly cast in the reasonable Jack Lemmon role. Why I didn’t highball it back to my cheap Irish shanty back in Philadelphia, I’ll never know.
The Princess told me that after her husband left her, she nicked herself on the forearms and then showed me the marks. This is the first time that I had ever heard about cutting, let alone saw it up close. “Cutters”, as they’re called in analyst jargon, injure themselves on purpose to relieve emotional pain by making scratches or cuts on the body with a sharp object. This is why I wrote the line in my song, ‘One Way Down’, “I cut to feel and see I’m bleeding, lipstick red to match my frown.” Most people who cut are girls, but guys self-injure, too. I skipped the knife and eased my pain in more toxic ways.
A year earlier I had first-hand experience with suicide when my brother’s live-in girlfriend and my radio partner John DeBella’s ex-wife, Annette killed herself by letting the car run with the garage door closed (long story, and like I said earlier, “I can’t afford another lawsuit”). I drew on that memory to flesh my song ‘One Way Down’ out with details that were beyond the Princess’ experience. I always thought Annette’s death was a ploy to get attention and never thought her true intention was suicide, and that’s what I drew upon for the song’s final send-off, “So pay attention, because I can’t back down. My soul’s on fire.” The “my soul’s on fire” reference having to do with the Catholic Church’s stance on taking your own life, and where you burn, when you do.
The song, “One Way Down” is terrific melodically and lyrically a bit dark, but I think the two compliment each other nicely. It’s got a Pink Floyd feel to it because that’s all she played at the time and it was bound to seep in to my songwriting consciousness. By the way, if you’re ever feeling situationally depressed, you might want to stay away from booze and Pink Floyd. In combination, the two tend to act as a blues accelerant.
If I wrote this song with a woman’s eye (not literally, of course, that would be gross), and I’m in the process of recording it. If you were wondering what happened to the sad, tragic figure who inspired the song, she dumped me a week before 9/11 (the unintentional symbolism of the Twin Towers falling was not lost on me), is happily married with 4 kids, and building her 2nd home in Nantucket, RI. Take that, stupid song!
Editor’s note: Pat’s lawyer, Gary Schatzstein would like the reader to know that Mr. Godwin made this whole story up. Gary says, “He’s got an imagination on him, that guy. Great song, but the story behind it never happened—it never happened, I tell you.”
One Way Down
My love was there just for the taking
Arms were open, defenses down
Where are you while I’m shaking
In the quiet of the heart breaking sounds?
If this is it, then I’m not living
My morning suit, your wedding gown
I just can’t be so damned forgiving
One way down
One way down
So pledge allegiance to the cold, cold ground
My soul’s on fire
I cut to feel and see I’m bleeding
Lipstick red to match my frown
Yes it’s you that I’m seeking
In the madness of a mind melting down
If this is it, then I’m not breathing
Stuck alone in this cold town
I can’t stand that you are leaving me
One way down
One way down
So sign a contract with the cold, cold ground
My soul’s on fire
If this is it, then I’m not trying
This ocean’s endless, I might drown
Our pressed flowers lay there dying
One way down, one way down
So pay attention, because I can’t back down
My Soul’s on fire
“Then I got Mary pregnant
And man that was all she wrote
And for my 19th birthday
I got a union card and a wedding coat” ~ Bruce Springsteen
Burlington Coat Factory: “May I help you?”
Bruce Springsteen: “Yeah, I’m here to get a wedding coat.”
Burlington Coat Factory: “A what?”
Bruce Springsteen: “A wedding coat.”
Burlington Coat Factory: “We got Winter coats, peacoats, overcoats, but there’s no such thing as a wedding coat. There’s a wedding tux, a morning suit that the groom wears, but we don’t sell them. We sell coats.”
Bruce Springsteen: “Never mind. Can you think of a better rhyme for ‘wrote’?”
Burlington Coat Factory: “Try next door at the Burlington Song Factory.”
A sweet, elderly woman from the Deep South approached me after a show on Royal Caribbean and said, “Son, you were great, but could I make a suggestion?” I thought, “Oh, no—here it comes. She didn’t care for the occasional bad language and she’s going to complain.” She says very sternly, “You were funny, but you weren’t dirty enough. Put some funk on it. You don’t got enough dick in yer bits. Make love to that audience, gently at first, then f*ck ’em hard.” I stood there aghast, laughed a nervous little laugh and told her that I had cleaned up my act somewhat, but if she came back to the late show, I’d work a little bluer for her. She came back, brought her big hat wearing friends and I told the crowd about our conversation and damn if I didn’t put some mother-f*ckin’, t*tty-lickin’ dicks in my bits—and you know what? It killed, and was fun letting loose with Big Momma’s blessing. Her whole table gave me a standing ovation, demanding the rest of the crowd to get off their God damn feet and stand up for the man who had the balls to put some dick in his bits.
For a while there, I was on “The Bob & Tom Show” every couple of weeks, and rapidly running out of songs, bits, and what Tom and I called, “ammunition”. I had ambushed the crew with my “Iraqi Prisoner Song” a few weeks earlier (my satire of the Abu Ghraib prison scandal) and I had shot my wad, so to speak. I was out of bullets, I was empty… ca-put. Now it just so happened that “Paul and Storm“, the creative duo that came out of the now defunct “Davinci’s Notebook“, an a cappella group known for it’s hit song, “Internet Porn” were in town, so I asked them to back me up on a little something. I thought these great harmonizers would liven up my tired, one-man band sound and give me the new novelty hit I desperately needed, but I was out of the “little something” I had advertised. I got nothing.
I don’t remember where the idea for “Paco, The Pool Boy” came from, but it’s a broad comedy concept, one that’s been mined by others over the years, and now dug up by me out of desperation. Cougars were big in the media at the time and still are, so I chose them, and the stereotypical Mexican pool boys that served them. I was going for the easy target, by making fun of sex and race, 2 out of the 3 Ps of comedy: Penis, Prejudice and Poopy.
I had one day to write the damn thing, rehearse the vocals with “Paul and Storm”, and then perform it on “The Bob & Tom Show”. Holy guacamole, I’d better get busy. So I picked up the guitar, got into Mariachi-mode, and started writing. I told the tale of “Paco, The Pool Boy” as a misunderstood Porno cliché. The former illegal alien who had grown up, was now married with children, and no longer interested in being the Taco Bell “Combo number 2″ of the hungry, older, wealthy, abandoned, horny housewife. But, there was a time…
When I got to the studios at 6 AM, “Paul and Storm” where already there and we went over the song, one last time. We. Were. Ready. The original version was written with Latino slang and “Paul and Storm’s” background parts explained my Spanish and broken English. I would sing lines like, “Mis testiculos son de color azul” and they would respond in a half-sung whisper, “His balls are blue”, and we thought it was hilarious. The only problem was that when we did the song live on the show, not only did my Spanglish need more interpretation, but I sung it in a VERY thick Mexican accent. Guess what? “I won’t cheat on my wife” sung like the Frito Bandito sounds just like, “I won’t SHEET on my wife”. Aye carumba! No one had time to hit the dump button on the 7-second delay and everyone else in the studio– Bob, Tom, Kristi Lee and Chick McGee all thought I said shit on the air, one of the famous 7 dirty words that you can’t say on the radio. Unbeknownst to me, I had added the 3rd P of comedy, Poopy, in it’s dirtier vernacular.
Keep in mind that this was a time when the FCC was fining potty-mouthed morning shows, so the “sheety” pool boy song was dead in the water before it even had a chance to doggy paddle. Tom Griswold just glared at me, with a WTF? look on his face for the remainder of the tune. We didn’t have a clue as to why the song was getting such a negative reaction, since Paul, Storm, and I where so used to my ridiculous accent by now. We bravely forged ahead with millions of people listening to my “Paco, The Pool Boy” song (beyond resuscitating at this point) and the sound of crickets (the deathly silent, laugh-less insects that surround a turd). To add insult to injury, Marty Bender, the head of syndication for “Bob & Tom” back then, came up to me afterwards and said, “That song had a lot going on, it was hard to figure out. ” He was right. It was confusing and wordy, too much cheese–not enough salsa… the song was full of sheet!
My new-improved “Paco, The Pool Boy Supreme” has less fat, more lean, mean punchlines, and no bull-sheet. Enjoy it, if you like your fish tacos on the salty side. Olè!
Paco, The Pool Boy
(Spoken) Hi my name is Paco. I came to this country many years ago to build a better life for myself, so I got a job as a pool boy. We have a reputation for being the fast food of the love-starved, aging housewife… the Cougar. We are also featured in many of your Pornographic Movies and dirty magazines, so I am here to set the record straight, and sing you a song about this pool boy, who is not Cougar-bait.
I’m Paco, Paco the Pool boy
I’m here to work, I won’t be your boy toy
You are married, but I’m no fool
You want me to fill more than your swimming pool
But I won’t fall for your little ploy
No not Paco, The Pool Boy
I have nine children with my Maria
I want to bring home a paycheck
Not Gonorrhea
Mi amor que no destroy
My family, I truly enjoy
I won’t cheat on my wife
I am Paco, The Pool Boy
But there was a time… back in my prime
When I would take you in the deep end!
I was shallow, like pool scum, I was slime
Like a a Matador, with his sword
I would have poked you right there on the diving board
Oh, how the cougars enjoyed
Paco, The Pool Boy
I see you lying there topless
while I use the bottom sucker
La Señora, she’s tempting me,
But I can’t fuh–find the chlorine
This puta has quite a libido
And I’ll admit, Paco has a bulging Speedo
Mis testiculos son de color azul
But I must not succumb, I will be true
‘Cause Maria would cut off little
I’d have no more burrito, just taco
And I don’t want to be
Paco, The tool-less, Pool Boy
Chop, chop, chop!
Words & Music by Paddy G.
Good 1 Music ASCAP 2017
Girl at Panera Bread says, “You were great, last night, and look, you’re wearing the same shirt. Is that like your comedy uniform or something?” Embarrassed, I said, “I’d love to tell you it’s an Einstein thing and I have 10 of these clean ones I interchange, or something snarky like I lost all my other shirts in the divorce, but truth is, it snowed last night, I got a hotel room and I slept in it. Could I have a toasted bagel with cream cheese, a coffee, and my dignity, please?”
The Breezeblower, onboard the Un-Named Cruise Line’s Something of the Seas, is a deliciously popular dining area, where polite manners go to die and boorish behavior thrives. It’s the low-key, casual buffet-style place to eat on the ship and at rush hour, it’s packed. There’s so much waiting in line, pushing and jockeying for food that when you finally have a full breakfast plate—it’s time for lunch. I could eat in the crew mess, but I’m not a fan of fish head soup, huge clumps of white rice, or the way one slurps the soup and shoves the rice.
Finding a place to sit at 9 a.m., in the Breezeblower, is like an episode of HBO’s Game of Thrones, with lookouts, squatters, and butter-knife stabbings used by families regularly to secure an open table. The problem is, the cruise line often closes the Starboard side, leaving everyone to fight it out over at the catsup-stained “Battle of the Port Side”. At dinner-time, it’s quite an International melee, as the loud French and Spanish accents get even more cacophonous whenever the Germans invade the dessert stand before eating their main course. I think of myself as Switzerland. I’m a comedian working on the ship; I don’t want any trouble, so normally I try to avoid this unruliness.
This morning, though, ravenous, I tried to fight the masses and grab a quick plate of scrambled eggs and low and behold, I spotted an oasis out on the horizon—an empty two-top. The only caveat to my discovery was a half a glass of orange juice, all alone, smack dab in the middle of the table. Yes, I should have known that the juice belonged to somebody, and, of course, it was too good to be true, but hunger clouded my judgement. Citizens of Windjammer, I implore you, If you’re going to mark your territory, please leave a working plate, napkin-wrapped silverware, or a flag with your Family Crest on it to insure your place of respite doesn’t get nabbed by angry, hungry peasants. Do NOT think that leaving just a half glass of lukewarm, orange concentrate, whilst you wander off looking for croissants, will suffice.
I questioned the folks sitting by the vacant table if the owner of the O.J. was coming back and they said, “No, it’s all yours.” “Hallelujah, praise the King”, I yelled out loud. I can sit in peace, read a little, and grab some nourishment before my next port adventure. I hadn’t yet eaten two forkfuls of eggs before a LARGE, mean old woman with a walker screamed, “YOU STOLE MY TABLE!”, to which I replied, “I’m sorry, they said it was empty. Here, I’m getting up. Please sit.” Her curved Osteopathic back was to me the whole time as she snatched her glass, harrumphed, and stormed off as best she could; mumbling and grumbling under her breath. What I should have done was nothing and walked away, but of course—I made it worse.
I come from a long line of proud people and from King Harold Godwin of England, Mary Shelly Godwin (author of Frankenstein) on down to little ole me; we do not take rudeness well. We have, what you call, a bit of a temper. So temper in check, I said, in a normal tone, but with a dollop of hot sauce on it, “You didn’t have to be so snotty, lady.” That’s all I said. No cursing. No histrionics. No dirty look. You would’ve thought I shot her in the back with a crossbow by her reaction. She slammed the walker down, turned to face me and hissed, “What did you say?” It was at this point I thought, “sh*t, I’m employed here and I was just on stage last night; she’s going to recognize me and cause trouble.”
In the land of the Blind-to-Bad Behavior Cruise Industry, the One-Eyed Guest is King and this witch has the most dangerous weapon in her arsenal—the complaint. She could ruin me by filling out a comment card, guest survey, OR marching down to the Guest Services desk to rat on me. Complaining is a game of chance to many cruise goers. You’ll see it on the activities list—”Day One, 2:45 p.m on the 5th floor, whine about your room and ‘maybe’ you’ll get an upgrade.” Some folks will say anything to get free Internet, points on their frequent cruiser card or the ever-elusive, complimentary beverage. In other words, I’d better start back-tracking, use my wits and schmooze this b*tch before she blows.
Abaris, the Hyperborean, Queen of the Buffet, armed with nothing but a mighty pen, turns around dramatically, eyes me up and down and says, “You look familiar. Do you work for Un-Named Cruise Line?” I stood frozen, dead on my horse, thinking faster than I do on stage and replied, “Yes, I do. You probably saw me at the Welcome Aboard show, last night, I’m Marc Roberts, the Cruise Director. Marc is spelled with a C.” Her nostrils flared and her eyes narrowed like a flaming Medieval Dragon when she hissed, “Well, Mr. Smarty-Pants Cruise Director, Marc Roberts, Marc spelled with a C; I’ll have your head on a stick by the end of this trip.” I told her, “Yes, you could do that, BUT (and that’s a big butt), you won’t get the complimentary beverage coupon I was going to award you.” That was all she had to hear. You could almost see all of her 97 years melt away to that of a 90 year old. Her face softened, her back straightened, her sag perked, and she said, “Free drink? Hmm. Why, thank you, young man. I’ll drop all this nonsense and take you up on the offer.” I smiled smugly and thought, “My work is done here. The war is over. I’m coming home.”
After much hugging and hand shaking, the enemy and I hashed out the details of our truce. She was to go to Guest Services to collect her prize and since that was four floors down and she had mobility issues; I had an hour or so to cover my sorry ass. I quickly called the Cruise Director and told him what happened, he laughed, said he had my back, and made sure his staff had a complimentary beverage coupon waiting for someone who fit the description, “LARGE, Mean Old Woman with a walker demanding a free drink coupon that the Cruise Director, Marc Roberts, Marc spelled with a C, promised her”.
The End?
Editor’s note: As best as Mr. Godwin can recall, this never actually happened. Pat wrote a fictional, humorous essay based on hearsay and anecdotal evidence. He’s a comedian, that’s what they do—make stuff up.
Club owner: “We’re going to leave the TVs on during the Playoffs, but we’ll turn the sound off.”
Me: “Why don’t you leave the sound on and I’ll pantomime my act?”
Club owner: “Uh… no.”
Me: “Or you could pay me for tonight and we’ll reschedule for a time when you want to be just a comedy club instead of a comedy club/sports bar hybrid.”
Club owner: “We’ll turn the TVs off.”
Me: “Good idea.”
