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One of the most clever songwriters and quick-witted live comedians in the business... with his high speed, low-drag act that constantly changes and evolves, Pat has such strong material and improv skills, no two shows are ever the same... not even close.
seen and heard on last comic standing the howard stern show the bob and tom show schedule get tickets

My Next Wife


IMG_0241My next wife will be a gorgeous woman of inappropriate age, who’ll work full-time as a nurse and overtime as a part-time nurse. She’ll want children someday; I’ll tell her to wait 20 years and I’ll be all the baby she’ll need.

My next wife will be an orphan who can afford her own maid, chef and masseuse, because she’s independently wealthy, due to a large financial settlement from her parents’ unfortunate accident—a week after we meet.

My next wife’s hobbies will be listening to my music, going to my comedy shows, editing my long essays, and quick romantic encounters. She’ll love the smell of cigars, knows how to gut a fish, and will encourage moderate drinking, while turning a blind eye to the heavy kind.

My next wife, my new wife, the 2017 model, will be a soft-spoken gal with a big laugh, who can quote all 39 episodes of the original Honeymooners, will HATE The Honeymooners movie with Cedric the Entertainer and thinks Caddyshack’s hilarious even though I find it dated and corny (it’ll be our only argument). When she edits these essays I write, she’ll allow a little poetic license for run-on sentences, sexist humor, and endings that go nowhere.

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